Update: This was originally posted a few years ago, prior to my 2020 retirement, and represents the qualities of trust that I shared with and expected from my students. I’d appreciate your feedback. Consider leaving a comment. Thank you. -John Gardner
“Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honesty, I lose myself.” –William Shakespear
“Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.”–Janis Joplin
“Some things are black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. Honesty is one of those things. You have it or you don’t.
“I can trust you – or I can’t.” -G
On TV, honesty seems to be relative; use it when you can, abandon it when it helps the moment. That is a sad reality that we must avoid in band. Trust requires honesty. Without trust, everything you do or say must be doubted, questioned or verified.
Trust lost is hard to earn back.
In a conversation with band students, I asked for the most common answer from a teacher after a student request. “No.” I asked for the most common response from parents… “No.” Could it be that the tendency to say ‘No’ is at least partially driven by a low trust factor caused by a questionable honesty level? I say yes….in many cases.
So who goes first?
Dear students,
I WANT to trust you. I WANT to believe you. I WANT to say ‘Yes’. I WANT you to be truthful with me and I’m willing to take the first reasonable risk. The danger, for me then, is that some people are so accustomed to saying what is convenient at the moment (situational ethics?) that they do that with ME (automatically or intentionally – doesn’t matter) …..and I get burned, disappointed, even hurt.
Why do I take it so personally? I wish I didn’t, but I do.
I almost lost my job once, as a young District Sales Manager for a national fundraising company, when I went to bat for some reps only to discover they had been feeding me lies. My boss’ response to my frustration and question about how to know who to trust was, “Trust is a treasure that some people haven’t earned, don’t value or can’t handle. You have to learn WHO you can give HOW MUCH to.”
“Trust, but verify.” -Ronald Reagan
“You won’t get away with it.” -my pastor
My mama used to say…
“Burn me once, shame on YOU!
Burn me twice, shame on ME!”
A former student from my first teaching job posted on my facebook:
“I’m remembering a little white lie that Tina and I told you just to get out of class for a minute or two……..Unfortunately, you found out about it. I’ve never felt so guilty as when I was caught tricking YOU! You were the TEACHER to go to when things weren’t going ok. And a trusted teacher…….I was SO sorry!”
So this is not a new problem for me. It isn’t something that JUST happend. IT happens…. Sometimes you can get me …. yes you can. Some of you are very good at trying, because your moral compass is off….or broken. Sometimes, I DO give you the benefit of my doubt. Burn me once….
Here’s the bottom line, the brutal truth, the real consequence… and it is important that YOU KNOW IN ADVANCE.
If I give you MY TRUST and you respond with YOUR LIES …. it changes EVERYTHING, including my ability to trust and respect YOU….probably for longer than it should. I can still be your teacher. I can still treat you with professionalism and dignity. But, burn me twice….
So what? Maybe nothing…..because then I become like all the other adults in your life who will almost always say no and who will be compelled to question and verify everything you say….and the games go on.
This is my garage the day before it was being re-sided. I called it the “GGG” (Gardner, Garage Graffiti) event. They came to my house on a Saturday morning. Do you think they will remember this day? What if they had not come?
Students know which teacher(s)….
are more interested in being popular than in providing and expecting academic excellence . Students will “like” this teacher, but will not “respect” him/her.
are there only for the paycheck. These are the people who deserve the quote, “those who can – do, those who can’t – teach”.
stopped working hard when they got tenure and are now just putting in time.
are incompetent. Students recognize those who read only the questions in the teacher’s edition, use publisher-provided Powerpoint presentations and read them word for word, who have artificial conversations or Q&A sessions.
are invested in the totality of the student, beyond what is required by the contract and mandated by administration.
are the go to adults for help, support and understanding with life’s struggles
“When students feel that teachers and school administrators genuinely care about them and help them to feel welcome, they are more motivated to cooperate and to succeed.” -Robert Brooks, PhD
A former student remembering her band experience wrote that,
“It is more than just about music.”
She attributed the life-skills she learned in band (time management, team building, respect for authority, commitment, self-discipline….) to have been major factors in her success in college, medical school and life.
In a Facebook message from a Music Education major;
“I just wanted to take a moment to thank you again and again for steering me in the right path, …! There is no way I will ever be able to give you the thanks that you really deserve, for the potential you saw in me, for the care you gave me, for the trust you put in me, and for the time and energy you invested in me! You changed a life…MINE.”
Responding to a blog post called, “I Want To Trust You”, another former student wrote;
I’m remembering a little white lie that Tina and I told you just to get out of class for a minute or two……..Unfortunately, you found out about it. I’ve never felt so guilty as when I was caught tricking YOU! You were the TEACHER to go to when things weren’t going ok. And a trusted teacher…….I was SO sorry!”
Four days before Christmas, I received a text message from a senior,
“G, I just got kicked out of my house. Please help me!”
How can teachers get past the compliance expectation and earn respect….and TRUST?
Be real. You can’t fake it with teens, they will see right through you. If you can’t be real, you should not be there. Please leave education.
Be available. How easy is it for a teen to say to YOU, “Can I talk to you?”? What if it is not during class or immediately after school? In how many different ways are you available and do students know and understand that? Do they know if it is ok to email, call, text or instant message you? When a teen says they need to talk, somebody needs to be available. Be that person. Consider your use of texting and social media.
Be there. Yes, you’re “on duty” at school. What about when a student is in the hospital, at the funeral home, pitching in the softball/baseball game, getting baptized, being awarded Eagle Scout status, or when their garage-type band is playing at the coffee shop? Take your spouse or your kids and just be where you can when you can. They will notice.
Trust them. If you want trust, you need to give some. I have a periodic discussion about trust, abusing it, losing it and the difficulty in earning it a second time. Read: “I WANT To Trust You“. Teens make mistakes and the trust area is one of those places where they can mess up. But help them learn. Take a reasonable chance. Yes, you’ll get burned some….but you will also empower leaders to rise up.
Respect them. There is a good chance they will recognize and return it.
Advocate for them. Of course you have students who are financially challenged and could benefit from music lessons, a better instrument, participation in a select ensemble or some other training. You won’t always succeed, but try to find funding to help. Call the employer to help him get that job. Write a letter to help her get that scholarship. Help them with college applications their parents can’t (or won’t).
Listen, really listen. Teens typically think that people don’t listen. They think adults are quick to lecture, criticize and correct, but are slow to listen. You don’t always have to have the answer. Sometimes there isn’t an obvious answer. Sometimes listening is the answer, because in allowing them to share, you enable them to find their own answer. Unless they are sharing something illegal, dangerous, hear them out. Don’t argue. Don’t interrupt. Don’t pre-judge. And when you can, share your wisdom, experience, expertise and advice.
Expect and Encourage Excellence. Students will complain when the load is heavy and the challenge is significant, but they know, even when they won’t admit, that achieving excellence requires work. They want to achieve and succeed. Being there for them doesn’t mean lowering your standards. Make them stretch. They’ll appreciate you eventually, even if not today.
Don’t assume. A question I ask often is, “You okay?” Simple question….and sometimes they shrug it off, but there have been many times for me that this gives them the opening to ask for help.
Don’t give up. It can be difficult, disappointing and even deflating when teens mess up. Don’t give up on them. That’s what the rest of society wants to do sometimes…. They will be disappointed that they disappointed you, but your unconditional support (not approving what they do) is vitally important to them.
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Sometimes I complain about my job; about the part-time-ness, the pay, the union, my bosses, the financial realities, and more…. but I will ALWAYS love the teens I get to work with. They can be challenging; sometimes immature, making decisions without thinking through to the consequences of those decisions, they can love you today, hate you tomorrow and love you again the day after……, but if you’re in it for them, you’re positively impacting lives and as the commercial implies, you cannot put a price on that.
UPDATE: I retired from teaching in July of 2020. I still love teens.
I did NOT want the renewal and called the vendor — and was told that when I signed up for that discounted first year rate that the “terms of service” stated that my membership/subscription would be “automatically renewed” at the regular price. BUSTED!
A few types of subscriptions/memberships that often work this way…
Magazine subscriptions
Domain names
Computer anti-virus programs
Job search sites
My mamma used to say, “Burn me once…..shame on YOU, Burn me twice…..shame on ME!
If this has ever happened to you, consider the following 5 suggestions to keep from getting burned…
NOTE: I wrote this when I was still teaching. I retired last year. I have tried to change many of the tense from present to past — if I missed any, that is why.
I get the reasons. We must protect our students…..and our teachers…. and our schools. Almost weekly we hear a national news report of a student running off with a teacher or some variation of sexual misconduct. Sometimes, a school’s proactive response is to overreact with a series of policies summed up with:
Thou shalt not type, text, touch or transport thy students.
Don’t give students your cell number. Too late.
What is the difference between whether they call my cell, office or home phone?
Don’t text with students. Busted.
What is the difference between text, twitter and email?
I didn’t initiate texts unless for a critical reason, but I would respond.
Avoid 1-1 encounters without witnesses. The word that comes to mind is reasonableness. As a music teacher, I periodically conducted individual playing or coaching sessions in a semi-sound-proofed practice room, away from observers – on purpose. On the other hand, when possible, I taught 1-1 lessons in the music office or large ensemble room where there will likely be people coming and going. I no longer teach in my home, using the high school or university for studio space.
Should I coach in the hallway?
Avoid physical contact. Yes, but sometimes there is something positively powerful about an appropriate touch; a handshake, high-five, hand on the shoulder or, yes, even a congratulatory or consoling student-initiated hug.
Is ALL touching over the line?
Typing. Generally Social Media Networking. When I mentioned in an evaluation meeting that I had over half the band on my Facebook “friend” list, I was cautioned to “be careful” but not told to disconnect. My personal policy on Facebook was that I would not issue friend requests to students, but would accept their invitations. Following that caution, however, I also created a band Facebook “page” that does not require “friending”. I used both to make announcements, applaud achievers, encourage individuals or the band collective, and yes, sometimes, to have a conversation. Most of those conversations are schedule-related, but occasionally include counseling or consoling.
If it is okay to encourage, counsel or console a student in person, why is the media used challenged?
Texting. Is the problem the communication or the device? I periodically said to students, “You may contact me but do not abuse that.” ….and they didn’t. Nearly 100% of texts from students were about class, schedules, an idea or suggestion about the show (this year or next) or even a complaint that someone thinks I should hear. Unless I was asking a band question, I seldom initiated a text communication, but I did respond to most texts received. For many students, texting has replaced email as the preferred communication technique.
Is that wrong? Again, what (exactly) is the problem?
Touching. Yes. Yes. Especially a younger teacher must be extremely careful in this area. Perhaps I took advantage of the facts that I am old, fat, bald and ugly – and more a grandfatherly-type figure to exchange handshakes and high fives. Sometimes, in a loud crowded classroom when a student is trying to tell me something and I’m struggling to hear – I would put a hand on a shoulder; as in ‘come closer and speak louder’. I’ve also used the touch of a hand on the shoulder as a form of encouragement or congratulations. I have a perfect picture example (snapped by the girl’s grandfather as she received her senior recognition….and I have my hand on her shoulder) with the band behind me and the audience in front of me.
Hugs….more rare and generally more carefully considered. Some examples, though. I periodically might exchange a hug at a graduate open house party where, usually, the student has graduated. I have received hugs after a successful solo contest performance or other such excitable moment.
I have offered hugs…. The girl stood inside the office (I sat at my desk across the room) and she was breaking down as she described and cried about her father’s verbal abuse and how badly it was hurting her. I did get out of my chair, walk over to her and offered an accepted hug. Another time was following a marching rehearsal. I noticed a cluster of color guard girls and my first thought was that someone was hurt. When I investigated, there was a circle of encouragers trying to help the freshman who was sobbing uncontrollably and saying she couldn’t do it. I put my hand on her shoulder, she latched on to me with a significant squeeze and right there, in the middle of a dozen girls, there was a teacher-student hug happening.
Sometimes there is something about an appropriate touch that is difficult to put into words yet is worth thousands of them.
Careful, yes. Reasonable, of course. But elementary students aren’t the only ones who have love to share and who (sometimes) need a touch in return.
Am I wrong?
Transporting. When I was a young teacher, back in a previous century, I taught in a rural area and had one student who had parental permission to be in band as long as the parents didn’t have to do anything – including providing transportation to/from rehearsal. His clothes often had the stench of the family-owned chicken house, which is why this boy had few close friends (literally). I transported him often — and others when circumstances warranted.
In my later position, I transported students to the local university’s band rehearsals and concerts, to solo contest, to honor band rehearsals and more. I drove students when they forgot something for a band trip, have injured an ankle in a field rehearsal and couldn’t make the moderate walk back to the high school, locked a key in their car and needed to go home to get the backup, at midnight after returning from a contest when the parents forgot to pick them up and were not answering their phones, or when expected to walk home but it was raining. Policy says teachers cannot do that without written parental permission, administrator approval and another adult in the car. Guilty.
So what do I do with that midnight student?
Responding to a different post (see below) on the same topic, a student responded (on Facebook),
Sooo basically teachers are just teachers now and not people? What about all those stories people tell of an inspirational teacher they had who helped them through their difficult time and made it possible for them to be where they are now? Is that gone too?
In a previous century, pre-cell-phone, almost pre-historic era, I had a memorable exchange when a pastor parent called me a liar when I told him what his daughter had done.
How do you think I should have responded?
================
As I walked into the small high school office, two band students had their backs to me as they used the counter phone. I entered just in time to hear one of the girls explaining that she was going to get home late because
Mr. Gardner called a mandatory rehearsal.
The caller’s friend, who may have already made her call home, saw me first, displaying a shocked face as I approached and asked for the phone. In front of the two band parent secretaries who also heard the student, I simply shared with the parent….
Hello, this is Mr. Gardner and there is no after school band practice today.
I handed the phone back to the girl and went on about my business in the office, not listening to the rest of that conversation.
A few minutes later, in the hallway, with no witnesses, of course,….this normally smiley, friendly, terrific student and valued bandster unloaded some vocabulary on me to express her displeasure. I might have brushed off a temporary anger burst, but I couldn’t ignore what she said — and I knew her father would agree. So I went back to the office to use the phone. Keep in mind that I had just caught the daughter in a lie.
Pastor A____, this is Mr. Gardner again. I just want you to know that your daughter just used some bad language with me that is both unacceptable and disrespectful. Because this is the first time I’ve had any trouble with her, I’m not going to write-up anything through the school, but will be giving her some temporary extra band responsibilities as discipline for her behavior.
(Details shared.)
Pastor: My daughter doesn’t curse.
Sir, I’m not giving you second-hand gossip. I’m not telling you what I heard or what someone else told me. I’m giving you a first hand report about a face to face conversation to let you know that I will require your daughter to spend some extra time working in the band room as discipline for her behavior, and wanted you to hear it from me.
Pastor: You’re lying. My daughter wouldn’t say those things and you’d better not discipline her.
The daughter later apologized, completed her mandatory volunteer work around the band room, and hopefully learned and grew from the experience.
In a quick search on variations of “teen school behavior”, “teen behavior” and such, I found links to a several behavior modification schools, advertisements for parental survival guides, places that want to segregate teens to ranches or boarding school type setups, medical and mental solutions….. wow. If you watch much TV, you hear about how current teens are falling behind academically or lacking dedication and commitment.
I hear from people who ask how I can be in a room with so many teens or why I would want to spend all that time with them. They inspire me with their youthful enthusiasm, but why rely on second-hand information? Volunteer with a local marching band organization and travel with the group to a marching band competition. There’s a lot of good stuff happening, academic, artsy and otherwise. Here are over 14 ways to volunteer for a marching band to appreciate and applaud what is good about teenage America.
Volunteerism Opportunities
Nearly all bands have a Band Parent Organization, but in some cities, or with smaller bands, finding enough help is a challenge. Most of the adults volunteering with a marching band have students in the band, but very few organizations would limit help to ONLY parents. Jump in. You’ll be accepted, appreciated, respected and even loved.
UNIFORMS. Are you good at measuring and sizing? All band students get sized for uniforms every year. That normally involves finding a coat, trousers and hat that fit. Someone has to keep track of who has what number of which piece of the uniform. Then there is distributing and collecting accessories like gauntlets, plumes, gloves, braids, sashes and other uniform add-ons. Marching Band uniforms can easily cost $400ea, so it would cost $40,000 to uniform a 100-piece band.
There is a need to manage and maintain those uniforms to increase the life expectancy and reduce the frequency of buying new sets. Older uniforms require dry cleaning, which is no small undertaking. Organizing them for pick up or delivery, removing the items that don’t go to the cleaner, then re-assembling and reorganizing upon their return. Some newer uniforms are machine washable – but also no easy task. Do you have a large front loaded washer you would be willing to use for your local band? That also helps with the savings from the dry cleaning bills of before.
COSTUME DESIGN/SEWING. The Color Guards (Flag Corps) generally have a separate, custom-designed outfit to go with the show theme and colors for that year. Drum Major(s) sometimes use a theme-oriented, custom uniform as well. Volunteers can save the band significant money by sewing, rather than purchasing flags and/or uniforms.
CONSTRUCTION / PROPS. You’ve seen the sets on a theater stage. The football field is the marching band’s stage. Bands want props to shrink the size of the stage or to enhance the theme of the show. Props can be decorative or functional (ramps, storage for equipment/uniform/costume changes). Maybe it is building and putting wheels on carts to haul all the extra percussion equipment (marimba, xylophone, timpani, gong, bass drum, keyboard, sound system, etc) in such a way that it can be moved easily.
Local props have included an analog clock painted on a full size trampoline, 10 foot hour glass, a ship complete with flag pole mast and sails that go up and down, tarps, tepees and more. If you’re not the construction type, share your design and creativity talents.
PIT / FIELD CREW. All that sideline ensemble equipment and any props must be put into place and then removed after the performance. Getting the band on and off the field is an operation that some competitions recognize with a “Best Pit Crew” trophy. The good news is that those on the pit crew generally get into the competition for free and get to hang out with the band students around the buses before and after a show. What a deal.
FOOD. Like to cook/fix foods for big events? Like to see smiles on teen faces? Want to serve? When bands travel to competitions and events, there are often times when it is necessary to feed them. The local band students get excited when they hear about “what’s for dinner”, especially things like potato or soup or taco bars, walking tacos, burgers, pizza and the like. Most of the meals served locally cost the band parent organization about $2 per person (does include both donated and purchased items). After a performance there is often a snack table with sweets, fruits and water. If you’re a food service professional, your skills could be especially helpful in planning, coordinating and calculating. Not only do you get into competitions for free and get to hang out with enthusiastic teens, but you also get to enjoy meals with them.
On her post, “Zen and the Art of Drum Corps Shopping”, Emily Tannert describes that most Drum Corps get most of their food from a food service company, but lists the following as a “daily shopping list”:
30 loaves each white and wheat 50 packages hot dog buns
8 gallons milk — 4 x 2 percent, 2 x 1 percent, 2 x skim
1 gallon barbecue sauce
10-plus lbs. peanut butter
250 slices American cheese
40 tomatoes
18 heads lettuce
20 lbs. baby carrots
6 watermelons
Band-aids
Generic Dayquil
CHAPERONES. Unlike the general population of the school, band students understand the behavior expectations and how they are held to a higher standard. They understand that travel is a privilege that can be lost. Band students are the cream of the crop, the best of the best, and riding the bus with them, helping them get all their uniform parts together and such…. is really a fun job. Many chaperons are “Mama [insert name]” to the students. They understand chaperons are a reality and they do not make it a hard job. And yes, you get in free…..it is the least we can do.
DRIVERS.The bus drivers are school corporation employees, but most bands have trailers of various sizes, or even a semi to pull. Are you a professional truck driver? Have your own rig? One year our band borrowed a trailer from a local warehouse company that had their advertising on it — and used a truck donated by a local delivery company. A parent volunteer drove and the band parent organization paid for the fuel.
FUNDRAISING. In most high school music programs, both instrumental and vocal, the financial requirements involved in funding a competitive ensemble (show choir / marching band) can be staggering. A new uniform drive needs $40,000 the same year the band is going to Disney ($80,000). Throw in a new set of drumline percussion instruments ($10,000), another $10,000 for a sound system, $25,000 for five new tubas, $3,000 for drill design, $1500 for music, $5,000 for flags and guard uniforms, food for road trips, transportation costs, etc., and you can see that fundraising is a major part of a successful marching program.
Are you good at organizing events, making calls, creating publicity, motivating people? Your skills would be invaluable.
CONTEST/EVENT ORGANIZER. A marching band competition can involve over a dozen marching bands bringing a couple thousand teens, 50 school buses plus vans, trucks, trailers. The group is flying in judges from all over the country, housing and feeding them — as well as providing hospitality for directors and drivers, concessions, advertising, announcing, timers, people to help each group through their event schedule, score tabulators and so much more. Competitions are large fundraisers, but also massive undertakings. Can you help with parking, crowd control, first aid — or as a runner to take care of all the highly stressed and sometimes demanding band directors? Whatever you like to do, there is probably a job for you at a marching band, winter guard or indoor percussion competition.
GRANT WRITING. There is money out there, but the competition for it is great.Are you an experienced grant writer? They could certainly use your help.
BUSINESS MENTORING. Do you run a small business? Have a business degree? Band Directors are trained educators, not necessarily heavily trained in the business skills involved in running the “business” of a travelling competitive program. And the band parent volunteers are always well-meaning parents who want to help, but don’t always have the organizational or motivational skills that could make them more effective and successful contributors to the program.
Especially in programs organizing “competitions” as fundraisers….the organization requirements are huge — and most would accept constructive help from a local business professional.
MEDICAL. Students with asthma have prescription inhalers. Someone severely alergic to bee stings may have emergency medication. There are those on behavioral modification medicines (including narcotics) or with medically prescribed ankle or knee braces. An intensive performance in uniform with the added stress of competition and heat, students need real help when they come off the field. It is not unusual for students to get a variety of injuries (twisted ankles), bumps from flag poles, sun burn, dehydration and more…. The local show choir was fortunate for a number of years to have a parent who was a chiropractor who would transport a portable table to competitions to help dancers with injuries and stresses. If you are a medical professional, your advice services could be put to good use.
LEGAL. Increasingly, band and choir parent organizations are incorporating — and part of that process involves legal services. Can you help? Bands make contractual commitments to drill designers, instructional and expert staff, choreographers, and more. Perhaps they are building sponsorship relationships with local business. You could help them saying the right words the right way.
FINANCIAL. Bands often have an individual participant financial requirement that can be met from everything from parental checks to profit from a multitude of fundraising projects. So, in addition to the general fund expenses, there are individual student accounts. On a major trip year, responsibilities are magnified as families make scheduled payments into an account, or where the band treasurer must coordinate with the travel company on all those individual accounts. If you can’t be the day-to-day person, perhaps you could help set up the spreadsheet or recommend the program to use — and offer financial or bookkeeping advice.
WHAT ELSE?
A marching band should be run like a business, but that is hard to do when most of those in the operation are untrained and unpaid. If you can help, please do.
I was in 9th grade when my band director, who had heard I wanted to be a band director, pulled me aside to tell me that 1) being a band director would require going to college, 2) my family couldn’t afford it, and 3) he had a way, “make yourself valuable”.
My parents divorced my 7th grade year. Dad was a firefighter and Mom, a polio survivor, was left raising five kids….I was the oldest.
Mr. Copenhaver emphasized that my grades weren’t good enough for academic scholarships and pointed out that I wasn’t athletic, so he told me the only way I would get there was to be good enough at something that a school would pay for me to come. He said I was decent on clarinet and suggested I focus on that. I had 4yrs to prepare. He helped me get 1-1 instruction with the best teacher in the region, to attend summer camps at two universities, to partipcate in band clinics, solo/ensemble festivals and honor bands — for both the experience and the exposure. It worked. I made myself valuable.
I did have a loan (don’t remember the amt). Of course, the number was lower, but my first teaching job only paid about $10k, so all the numbers were lower. I had on and off-campus jobs, including (for a while) a 3rd shift cleaning job at a restaurant and a job I went to over breaks and around summer schedules. I rode my bike about 3-4 miles to an area high school 2-3 times a week to work with about 15 students until I got my first car in time for student teaching.
I do remember learning how to pay my bills, including deciding which ones I could pay after each teaching paycheck. I get that.
Are there problems with the system today? Absolutely. College prices are outrageous. When our younger son was in school, their prices increased $1000/yr — and are now double what they were when we were dealing with them. Schools can raise their fees because loan-makers make it easy to get higher loans to pay the higher fees. Many universities (including state schools) have billions (with a B) endowments. They could go tuitionless for at least several years. Meanwhile, the cycle keeps going.
The contractor we hope will soon get us on his schedule is driving a truck I could never afford. He told me he dropped out of college when he figured out that, instead of debt, he could quickly be making more than he would make with the degree he was working on. A military recruiter told our band class that going his route could enable someone to have 6-figures in the bank instead of 6-figures in debt.
I would hope we can find a way to help the needy without just transferring that obligation to those who couldn’t go to college or who went to trade school (and borrowed money for buildings, vehicles, tools, etc) or into the military instead.
Blanket cancellations (which I know this is not): the SCHOOL wins because they got their money and can now raise prices again, the LOAN-MAKERS win because they can make bigger loans.
Somebody a lot smarter than me is going to have to figure it out. I do not believe it is an easy solution.
If you want to respectfully respond, even to disagree, feel free. If you’re going to call me a non-Christian, selfish or some of the other names I’ve been called (like these twitter responses):
Selfish shell fish
Special snowflake
Ignorant to the rest of the world
Sweetie
Conversation of which I know nothing
You ASSume things
smarmy asshats
I looked at your profile pic (old, fat, bald)
Teen years can be trying times. Parents may be fighting, separating, dating and remarrying, which means the teen now has to not only deal with a break up of a foundation in his/her life, but often now has to live in multiple households. Some have to adjust to step-siblings, job losses, financial struggles and more.
Then, there are the complexities of school with seemingly unending pressures to perform, trying to get through the dating games, often without an anchor or example to follow. Influenced by increasingly negative social standards, or lack of standards….. teens can get caught in the rise and falling tides.
Most learn how to negotiate life’s trying currents, but can turn the wrong way, make a miscalculation or poor decision — and find themselves high and dry on the beach…..and they need help. Not every student needs, wants or will accept a teacher’s help. Sometimes the teacher’s effort is both unappreciated and unsuccessful.
For a short time during my earliest teen years, without concern about walking to and into his home, I studied piano with a single guy who lived a few blocks away. During high school freshman year, I took lessons with a college girl who came to our school and went with me into a sound-proofed practice room. Later in high school, I would travel weekly to an area band director’s home for instruction. Concerns about safety transparency and reputation never came up.
But times are different now. Priests, coaches, and teachers are convicted of having inappropriate relationships with children and students, creating a sensitive and suspicious society that dissuades good teachers and students from participating in the time-tested tradition of individualized instruction.
The concept of innocent until proven guilty does not apply. No one can afford even an accusation. A School of Performing Arts that provides private lessons for area children put windows in all the classroom doors, instituted a parental sign-in/out procedure, and has a staff member walk in on every lesson every time. Band directors schedule lessons in busy offices or in large ensemble rooms full of distractions. College students video lessons with middle/high school students, not only for critique but also for security.
One band director told me that
…you don’t have to be guilty….an accusation can destroy a reputation and/or cost your job. And unfortunately, even after proven innocent, the doubts, questions and hesitations can continue to damage a reputation that took decades to build. Teachers have to be soooo careful.
The very nature of individualized music instruction almost mandates that student and teacher be alone in a room with a closed door. How do we take the legitimate safety concerns that student, parent, and teacher share along with the teacher’s concern for reputation (and employment) and still provide specialized, accelerated training?
SAFETY is everyone’s concern even if from different perspectives. Be aware and be careful.
TEACHERS…
invite parents to sit in or be nearby during lessons.
My experience: When I teach 1-1 lessons in my home, parents can relax in my living room while I work with the student in the dining room. A 6th grader’s mother would bring a book and sit in the room.
leave a door open or at least ensure it is unlocked and/or has a window. Enable anyone to walk in on you. That delay while you get up to open the door from the inside can cause undue suspicion or concern (and increase interruption time).
schedule lessons when others are around. Avoid evenings or non-school days when teaching at school or make sure someone else is home if the student is coming to your home studio. Do everything reasonable to remove any question andensure both student and parent are comfortable. Keep in mind that teens are increasingly cautioned to beware of one-on-one situations with adults. Respect that.
My experience: When a mother requested I work with her student over holiday break, I scheduled it at school along with an appointment for another teacher to drop something off to me during the lesson time. I left the band room door opened and set up the chairs in clear view from the hallway so passing janitors could see and hear.
video or audio record the session. Make sure everyone knows. Place the camera so both teacher and student are visible, but NOT in a way that makes the student uncomfortable or could set you up for a different kind of complaint.
My experience: When I teach lessons via Skype, I ask that the camera be pointed so that I can see either fingers, embouchure or both, so I am usually looking at a profile view of the student’s top front. When girls start adjusting their clothes, there is some discomfort. Be aware, empathetic, and be careful. Explain your reasoning — or move the camera to remove the discomfort.
if you have a regular coaching schedule, post the schedule. If you have a website with a calendar, parents (and students) are better reminded and informed.
PARENTS…
check references. In addition to safety, you want to make sure you’re getting a good product (teacher). If the teacher is an outsider coming to the school, the school should have conducted a background check. Ask.
sit in or be in the area, at least periodically. Sitting in an adjacent room can provide reasonable privacy while often enabling you to hear your child play. They won’t do that for you at home, right? Bring a book.
for virtual lessons (via Skype, for example), be in the area. You don’t have to stand over the child’s shoulder, but listen in and even walk in a couple times….say hi to the teacher.
STUDENTS…
meet a new teacher for the first time with a parent and in public.
go with your gut.
if anything makes you uncomfortable, speak up or get out. Nearly 100% of the time, you are either mis-interpreting or the teacher is completely unaware and will respond and adjust. Don’t destroy an opportunity based on your misunderstanding a teacher’s oversight.
if a parent is dropping you off, have a cell phone to call if the teacher is not there, you finish early (or going over), or you otherwise need parental pick up.
My experience: It was during a storm and I was mid-lesson after school when the power went out. Emergency lighting came on, but not enough to continue.
if you are going to a lesson, tell your parents (or someone) when, where and for how long.
My experience: I’ve had an unnecessarily disgruntled parent when I scheduled some after school coaching with a student who never got around to communicating and mom didn’t know what was going on ’til the student didn’t get off the bus. My mistake was assuming the parent knew.
TRANSPARENCYhelps everyone.
Sometimes there is a drop off in parental involvement and in student/parent communication during high school. Teens want more responsibility and independence and both parent and teacher should strive to help them in those areas. Assumptions often cause problems, however, and most issues I’ve ever experienced in the triangular relationship with parent and student elevate because somebody “assumed”. Several years ago, I gave each of my business office employees a personalized, engraved magnet that said, simply:
Assume Nothing!
TEACHERS…provide a list of expectations and policies.
Payment. How much, how often and what happens when they don’t. Are materials (music) included?
Cancellations when you cancel, when student cancels, how much notice and what if there isn’t any?
Minimum requirements; lessons per month, practice time, materials such as tuners or metronome, a functioning instrument with adequate supplies (reeds, etc)…
Privacy. Don’t share student/parent contact info or details about what happens during lessons. That is why they are called “private” lessons.
Communication. Be easy to contact. Determine whether your communication is to be with the student or parent. Any written communication with the student should be copied to a parent, when possible, including texts, emails or other types of media messages.
REPUTATIONS are slow to build and quick to crumble.
Students and parents need to realize how important that is to the teacher, especially when their very livelihood depends on it. Younger or single teachers need to be hyper-aware, but no one is too old, fat, bald or ugly for legitimate concern and caution.
Without an element of TRUST, this simply cannot work. Hopefully, the teacher has ‘earned’ some trust from both the student and the parental. It is unfortunate that we hear via national news when trust has been abused. That is horrible. But it is also a very, VERY small percentage of people. My advice to all…. in a nutshell:
I was in 9th grade when my band director, who had heard I wanted to be a band director, pulled me aside to tell me that 1) being a band director would require going to college, 2) my family couldn’t afford it, and 3) he had a way, “make yourself valuable”.
For a short time during my earliest teen years, without concern about walking to and into his home, I studied piano with a single guy who lived a few blocks away. During high school freshman year, I took lessons with a college girl who came to our school and went with me into a sound-proofed practice room. Later in high school, I would travel weekly to an area band director’s home for instruction. Concerns about safety transparency and reputation never came up.
