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The Harsh Reality of Getting To and Paying For College

Leave a Comment / College Prep, Consulting, High Schools, Parenting, Personal experience, Public Schools, Teaching /

Unlike many teachers, a high school band director can have a student for four years or more. Sometimes, the high school director is also the middle school teacher, so those students can have the same teacher for seven years. They come to the high school as curious freshmen and develop exciting dreams. Sophomores are excited about the colleges they will attend and what they will do. They want to go to the higher level, name brand universities for law school, med school, music school. 

But then, sometime during Junior year, it seems, the realities of less than stellar grades and parents balking at the published prices of the dream schools begin to crush and shatter that earlier enthusiasm and optimism. 

A quote I hear too often, and the main motivation for writing this book, goes something like:

“I really wanted to go to [Name Brand] University, but I’m going to have to go to [Community] College and commute from home – because it is what we can afford.”

What Crushes Their Dreams?

They are not stupid, but might be ignorant 

When Middle School 8th graders become high school freshmen, they can have a glazed-eye look about them. They are coming from a smaller setting where they had pods and teams of teachers who spent significant time helping them not only get through the educational process, but also to smooth their often traumatic entrance into the teen years. Suddenly, they get to the high school where the building is bigger (easier to get lost), there are more people, more classes, they have more teachers who have less time to hold their hands and who will hold them to a higher level of accountability. They’ve been the big-dogs on the middle school campus and now are at the bottom of the high school heap. The good news is that most successfully navigate the transition and are set for success. 

As they experience the increasingly specialized high school classes, they get excited about topics or classes they like. They develop big dreams. Often, by the end of freshman or sophomore year, they are going to go to the name brand school; Law School, Music School, Medical School. These are exciting times.

Unfortunately, factors can dampen their spirits and dash their hopes:

  • Classes are harder, expectations higher and grading is less forgiving. Students who have always gotten all “A’s” can encounter some grades they’ve never seen before. Most make the adjustment, but some become discouraged and give up.
  • They are negatively influenced by the mediocrity of the general student population. There is intense peer pressure to do as little as possible. Unless highly self-motivated, positively influenced by strong teachers or from home, the slide to do as little as possible progresses. 
  • They struggle with seeing the long-term. When I talk to band freshmen about an award they can receive senior year, but that requires some things that they must do freshman year, one of the challenges is to get them to see that far ahead. If you want to see some rolled eyes and crossed arms, just try telling freshmen about the super high standards of top-tier colleges. 
  • Some smart students will coast along – because they can. Students won’t get in trouble in a public high school for getting a B or C grade. No. The emphasis is on RTI, on intervening on behalf of failing students. Teachers are pressured to have a rigorous class and to do everything they can to pass everybody. The goals tend to center around aiming for that 80% mark. Teachers can be punished for having too many low grades, but are not rewarded for high grades, so by default, the idea of average and mediocrity, if not encouraged, are at least tolerated – and become the norm.

By the time students reach junior and senior years and begin to see the next level, their grades and past practices can knock them out of consideration. The problem is less that they couldn’t have done it than that they didn’t know. They’re not stupid, just ignorant.

They treat college prep the same way they treat high school homework

Just a few weeks into freshman year at his top-tier university, my son called to tell me about his first English class paper.

“Dad, I’ve got a grade on this paper that I’ve never seen before.”

When I asked him what he had done differently, the response was….

“I did what I always did in high school. I waited until the night before it was due and then wrote the paper.”

He discovered that the bar was set higher there. 

I hear students discussing (or watch some of their social-media posts) about a paper they are writing for another class. Here are typical statements:

200 words down – 300 to go.

Half a page to go – if I increase the font and adjust the margins very slightly, maybe [teacher] won’t notice.

Does anyone have a paragraph I can borrow about…

The goal is not excellence, but average. Students demonstrate realization that the system’s goal is not to get an ‘A’, but to meet the assignment. We unintentionally encourage the problem by emphasizing meeting minimum standards or expectations. We don’t strive for excellence, but to meet or slightly exceed the standard, the minimum, the average. Administrators praise teachers when they can display on the big screen a graph showing their school ever so slightly ahead of the state average. The school where I teach celebrated receipt of a ‘B’ (one step up from average) rating from the state. No one talks about becoming the best school in the state. That kind of talk seems reserved for athletics and the arts, not so much for academics.

The GOOD NEWS is, that if the goal is to get into the community college or the big state university, that approach will probably work. But for these freshmen and sophomores with those big dreams of becoming the lawyer, the doctor, the engineer or the professional musician, those are not the “standards” that make it in the top tier schools – or in life.

They take what comes and go with the flow

Given their life history, why are we surprised? Teens coming into high school have had almost no control in their life story. They didn’t choose their parents, or where they live, or what economic condition they would endure. They have moved away from their friends as the parents get jobs or flee bill collectors. They are the unintended wounded in divorces and then have to “learn” to get along with parental “friends” or to have to go back and forth between parents. They have to learn to become brothers and sisters to someone else’s children. They have two and three bedrooms in different homes. Some jump from home to home weekly while others make a long summer move every year. The reality of single-parent households often includes a poverty component, or an absent parent working multiple jobs to try to make it. And what choice does the teen have? 

By the time they get to high school, they are numb to relationship building. When they apply some of the standards and practices they’ve witnessed in their homes to their first boy/girlfriends, they experience similar traumatic results. Hearts are broken, and many erect shields of protection as a defense to both students and adults – including teachers.

So when the realities of their short-sighted focuses, crushed dreams and dashed hopes come to bear as they approach time for college decisions, they default into the same mode they already know so well. They just take it. They go with the flow.

Check out 3 Scholarship Strategies That Worked For Me and Mine

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Students are not Starfish

1 Comment / Classroom Teacher, High Schools, Public Schools, Repost, Respect, Teaching, Uncategorized /

Starfish on the beachby John Gardner (via LinkedIn)

The starfish story (not my original) is about someone trying to make a difference and I think of it periodically when I find myself trying to balance that healthy, professional detachment from the lives of individual students with the reality and significance of those lives and my desire to make a difference by being more than “just” a classroom teacher.

Working with students is not a life or death proposition, of course, but some seem to get washed up on the beach. Here’s the story and 10 ways to make a difference. Those 10 ways represent my core beliefs in teaching and working with teens.

The man was out for a walk on the beach when he noticed a boy frantically picking things up and throwing them into the ocean. Curious, he approached the boy to discover that he was picking up starfish that had washed up on to the beach — and was throwing them back into the water.
“Son, what are you doing?” the man asked.
“The tide is going out and these starfish got left behind. I’m throwing them back into the water to save them.”
“But son, there are hundreds of miles of beach. You can’t possibly make a difference.”
As the boy picked up another starfish, he threw it into the water and then turned and said to the man,

“I made a difference to THAT one.”

———————————

Teen years can be trying times.  Parents may be fighting, separating, dating and remarrying, which means the teen now has to not only deal with a break up of a foundation in his/her life, but often now has to live in multiple households. Some have to adjust to step-siblings, job losses, financial struggles and more. Then, there are the complexities of school with seemingly unending pressures to perform, trying to get through the dating games, often without an anchor or example to follow. Influenced by increasingly negative social standards, or lack of standards….. teens can get caught in the rise and falling tides. Most learn how to negotiate life’s trying currents, but can turn the wrong way, make a miscalculation or poor decision — and find themselves high and dry on the beach…..and they need help. Not every student needs, wants or will accept a teacher’s help. Sometimes the teacher’s effort is both unappreciated and unsuccessful.

But try we must…because we CAN make a difference “to THAT one”.

Ten ways to make a difference:

  1. Be real. You can’t fake it with teens, they will see right through you. If you can’t be real, you should not be there. Please leave education.
  2. Be available. How easy is it for a teen to say to YOU, “Can I talk to you?”? What if it is not during class or immediately after school? In how many different ways are you available and do students know and understand that? Do they know if it is ok to email, call, text or instant message you? When a teen says they need to talk, somebody needs be available. Be that person. Consider your use of texting and social media.
  3. Be there. Yes, you’re “on duty” at school. What about when a student is in the hospital, at the funeral home, pitching in the softball/baseball game, getting baptized, being awarded Eagle Scout status, or when their garage-type band is playing at the coffee shop? Take your spouse or your kids and just be where you can when you can. They will notice.
  4. Trust them. If you want trust, you need to give some. I have a periodic discussion about trust, abusing it, losing it and the difficulty in earning it a second time. Read: “I WANT To Trust You“. Teens make mistakes and the trust area is one of those places where they can mess up. But help them learn. Take a reasonable chance. Yes, you’ll get burned some….but you will also empower leaders to rise up.
  5. Respect them. There is a good chance they will recognize and return it.
  6. Advocate for them. Of course you have students who are financially challenged and could benefit from music lessons, a better instrument, participation in a select ensemble or some other training. You won’t always succeed, but try to find funding to help. Call the employer to help him get that job. Write a letter to help her get that scholarship. Help them with college applications their parents can’t (or won’t).
  7. Listen, really listen. Teens typically think that people don’t listen. They think adults are quick to lecture, criticize and correct, but are slow to listen. You don’t always have to have the answer. Sometimes there isn’t an obvious answer. Sometimes listening is the answer, because in allowing them to share, you enable them to find their own answer. Unless they are sharing something illegal, dangerous, hear them out. Don’t argue. Don’t interrupt. Don’t pre-judge. And when you can, share your wisdom, experience, expertise and advice.
  8. Expect and Encourage Excellence. Students will complain when the load is heavy and the challenge is significant, but they know, even when they won’t admit, that achieving excellence requires work. They want to achieve and succeed. Being there for them doesn’t mean lowering your standards. Make them stretch. They’ll appreciate you eventually, even if not today.
  9. Don’t assume. A question I ask often is, “You okay?” Simple question….and sometimes they shrug it off, but there have been many times for me that this gives them the opening to ask for help.
  10. Don’t give up. It can be difficult, disappointing and even deflating when teens mess up. Don’t give up on them. That’s what the rest of society wants to do sometimes…. They will be disappointed that they disappointed you, but your unconditional support (not approving what they do) is vitally important to them.

Students are not Starfish Read More »

Valentine’s Day Stress and Teens

1 Comment / Parenting, Personal experience, Respect, Social Media, Teaching /

By John Gardner

valentineThis time of year can be stressful for those romantically attached, hoping to become, casually dating, good plutonic friends or single not by preference. I understand widowed or divorced, too…. but this post targets mostly high schoolers. If you have it all figured out, STOP HERE!

…

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10+ Values Marching Band Students learn

45 Comments / College Prep, High Schools, Marching Band, Parenting, Repost, Teaching, Teaching Music /

By John Gardner

See Teens At Their Best

This is a followup article to an article, “14 Ways to Volunteer for a Marching Band to Appreciate and Applaud what is Good about Teenage America”, which focused on ways to share your talents and abilities and experience the youthful, enthusiastic atmosphere around a marching band during competition season. This post focuses on some of the values marching band students learn.

Some larger competitions can involve dozens of bands with thousands of students with nothing resembling the level of supervision in a high school before or after school or as classes change. For the most part, band parents and the directors are the only ones with direct oversight….. and after a performance, most students are free to congregate back at the stadium to watch the other bands as they mix and mingle.

In uniform, before a performance, you’ll see focused faces as students prepare to do what they are there to do. You might see them move quietly and in formation from the bus area to visual and musical warmup and then to the stadium.

Band students learn dedication, commitment and
that striving for excellence is a worthy goal.

—————————————————————–

Most marching band operations are very structured with responsibility and accountability. There are seniors, section leaders, drum majors, staff, directors (where do I put parents in this list) all with authority over the band student. Participants appreciate  compliance and cooperation.

Band students learn the value of,
and respect for chain of command.

—————————————————————–

Unlike a basketball team with its starting five, there is no bench in marching band. Everybody is in. Everybody is a starter. Few other types of groups will involve people from varied backgrounds. There are children of doctors and lawyers marching with children of single-parents working multiple jobs or utilizing government help. There are the students who have their own cars and those who need rides, those with the iPhones and the free phones or no phone. You will find students in most bands from every church in the community and others who have never been inside a church. And yet, with all these differences, when they put that uniform on (actually, even before they dress)…..they are all on the same team, all equal. A good result requires the best from everyone. Students learn teamwork and cooperate with those outside their friend circle.

Band students learn to cooperate and collaborate
with those from different backgrounds and capabilities.

—————————————————————–

You will see students cheer and applaud for good performances of other groups, including those with whom they compete. You’ll see them wishing each other good luck, especially when a band is transiting through the pre-show stages and passing others who have either already performed or have a while yet to go. At a competition, I saw a band applauding the same-county rival band and the new band that their previous director had transferred to. When our band was relaxing and enjoying a band-parent-provided soup & chili bar supper following a recent performance, a competitor band passed by, still in uniform, returning from the field following their performance. Our students applauded their rival until the last one had passed. One of their directors found me to tell me that, “Your students are a class act.” That is sportsmanship….or should I call it bandsmanship?

Band students learn good sportsmanship.

—————————————————————–

Marching band is a time-consuming extreme weather sport. Summer rehearsals are in extreme heat and often go 8+hours a day for multiple weeks before school starting in the fall. Think about the temperatures in September and then imagine putting on a winter coat, hat and gloves and running around a football field at a fast pace. But then, by the time mid-October comes, it gets cold enough that students are wearing under armor and other garments under the uniform to try to stay warm. Then, add periodic rain. Sometimes they have to move rehearsals in and outside to avoid it and other times they get wet. When school starts, add 8-10 extra rehearsals Mon-Thur, 4-5 hrs for a Friday football game, then 12-14 hours on Saturday for a rehearsal, travel and competition — sometimes two.

Band students learn to commit, persevere and endure.

—————————————————————–

You’ll see both excited and disappointed students as the results are announced, but they will display professionalism many adults would be good to observe and learn from.

Band students learn that there are no shortcuts to success.

—————————————————————–

Many students, seemingly for the first time in any significant way, are given tasks and responsibilities and held accountable for them. The band student is responsible for loading and unloading his/her equipment; instrument, gloves, show shirt, correct socks and marching shoes. Some students have “section leader” responsibilities, which for most is a first time they’ve had management and oversight responsibilities for others. They have to learn leadership and people skills. Often, at the end of a 4-5yr career, graduating seniors will talk about how

band “taught them” responsibility and accountability.

—————————————————————–

Band students learn that they are individually important.

There is nowhere to hide in a marching band. All students are active participants. In a typical Indiana marching competition, there are six judges watching and listening; four in the press box and two walking around the field going eyeball to eyeball with performers. Band students understand that a trained judge’s eye automatically goes to what is different; someone out of step, out of line, out of tune, and that an individual performance reflects on the total ensemble score. Seniors and section leaders learn how to balance their role as a mentor and teacher/trainer for the newbie members, while also ensuring that even the newbies get up to speed in time for performance.
—————————————————————–
Students are trying to follow the ‘dots’ from their chart/dot books that tell them where they are going. It is difficult to see the big picture from that spot on the field, so there are directors or instructors watching from farther back (and sometimes higher up) who will adjust a form or shape. Or perhaps it is to point out that an individual is playing too loudly and needs to balance and blend better with others around them. This is contrary to much contemporary educational philosophy which emphasizes only the heaping of praise on what students are attempting to do. Band students know better, and expect to hear how to improve individual performance. Achievement through excellence enhances self-esteem . The challenge for the individual is to “not take it personally”. I describe to students regularly that I highly value them individually, but that when we are trying to improve a marching performance, that they are but one small moving part of a larger machine and that my job (as a director) is to fix the part to improve the machine….no matter who the part is. Nothing personal.

Band students learn to accept criticism, and that
self-esteem is raised through the achievement of excellence

—————————————————————–
With the extreme time commitment a marching band requires, students must learn to prioritize their time and use it efficiently, especially when it comes to getting homework done.

Band students learn time management skills.

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When you ask people who were in a marching band years ago, they may remember how their overall band performed or competed, but probably not likely that weekly score or placing that seemed so important at the time. But they will remember the values they learned, which is why former band students encourage their children to participate in band as well. This is not the article to argue that band utilizes academics, multiple arts and significant athleticism….. but they get all that as well.
—————————————————————–

 
Related articles you might want to check out:
And here’s an article published by American Music Parents called “18 Lessons Marching Band Teaches Our Kids“
Thanks for reading,

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Special Education for High Achievers

Leave a Comment / College Prep, High Schools, Parenting, Teaching, Teaching Music, Uncategorized /

The world is full of mediocrity. Have you ever had a student at the “other” end of the special ed spectrum? You know…. the end that also requires extra teacher input and attention; where it is just as challenging to keep this student engaged as it is the lower-achieving student? Why is the term “special needs student” only used at one end of the spectrum?

I once sat in on a public discussion meeting where a high-achieving group was challenging a scheduling change. I was shocked when I heard one of the presenters say,

We’re not here to teach the elite. We’re here to teach the masses.

Think about that.

It is as though we’re all about not leaving a child behind, but also about not letting anyone get ahead either. At the lower end of the proficiency spectrum, we have organized “special” education with additional classrooms and facilities, employing both certified and classified staff. We develop IEP’s (Individualized Education Plan) for about 12% of our public school student body (Institute of Education Sciences) and require all building teachers to accommodate each of those individual needs.

But what about the 6% of Gifted & Talented student(s), at the high end of the spectrum; those who ace the test, ruin the curve, and yet still do all the extra credit — just because it is there? For them, there are no additional classrooms and facilities, specially trained staff, and IEP’s. The easiest thing to do is re-assign them as “mentors” or “tutors” so that we can pull everyone into the mediocre middle. That is the educationally correct thing to do, but who does it help …. and does it also hinder? We teach to the middle and use the achievers to help. We love the star quarterback but not the star student.

Yes, let’s do all we can to help every student, but let’s help every student. Compare the long term benefits of our lopsided investment for both students and society. When you hear about the top technology and other highly skilled jobs going to students from overseas, where do you think those countries are investing? As we correctly strive to leave no child behind, may we also more aggressively assist the academic achievers?

There are teachers who recognize the high achievers and provide individual challenges. We do have “AP” (Advanced Placement) classes designed to better prepare students for college….. but which colleges?

As you listen to or read about politicians, lawyers or surgeons focus, on the schools they attended. Are state schools bad? That’s not what I’m saying, but many of them are teaching “to the masses”.

I went to both a large, inner-city public high school and a super-sized state university. I sat in freshmen writing and lecture classes with 200+ students in a lecture hall with a graduate assistant on a microphone who would never know my name. One of my sons, while a doctoral candidate at an Ivy League university, taught a freshman writing class with 15 students…. and of the three classes he taught, that was his largest. Am I claiming that not all colleges are created equal? YES!

School systems celebrate when test scores are slightly above the state “averages”. What is average? Mediocre? So, we’re all about being slightly above mediocre?

I’m tired of being the geek. I’m tired of ruining the curve. I’m tired of making people mad because I do the extra credit anyway. I want to go to a school where I can be normal, where it is okay to be an achiever.

I heard this quote when I was asking a high school senior about the choice of college. When the principal learned about his Valedictorian’s college choice, he shared his opinion:

Why not go to [XU], it is the biggest state school…..everybody goes there. It is affordable. Why out of state at such an expensive school?

I know because I talk to both students and parents, that the experience of the student quoted above is not unique.

Low achievers are helped. High achievers are heckled.

My parental experience raising two high achieving academic students is that:

…for us the system worked, but we had to work the system.

With the attitude and determination evidenced by the geek quote, he chose Duke. His SAT score was slightly above the “average” there. He went in as one of nearly 500 high school valedictorians and graduated in the top 1%, but that was okay there, where he was expected to achieve and encouraged to excel. Unlike public high schools, which must take everybody and do the best they can to educate all…..there are schools, both high school and college, that specialize. Here is a paragraph from one such school’s admissions brochure(emphasis mine):

    We want to find the ambitious and the curious, students who want to tackle issues head-on and are open to change. Ours is a community of talented learners, and we look for people who have unique qualities, who can challenge us as much as we challenge them. We want some bumps. We want some students who are well-rounded, some with sharp edges. We want people who are not afraid to undertake things that are messy, complex, and extremely difficult to do well—because they love it. We like students who already know what it means to succeed and those who know what it means to reach and not succeed and reach again. We like students who make intelligent and interesting mistakes, students who understand that only in risking failure do we become stronger, better, and smarter.

Let me be clear. We could not have afforded to pay the $58,000 sticker price of a [“top tier”] University education. As I was balking at the “early decision contract” on the admissions office table, they responded to my financial panic with:

If we decide we want him, we will get him here.

And they did. They didn’t make it cheap and they didn’t make it easy, but they DID make it possible for us to pay less than what we would have paid for an in-state public university. Our total contribution for eight years of college for two was about $32,000. Our total contribution for eight years of college for two was about $32,000. That’s $2,000 per semester. Where can you go to a school for a price like that?

All education should be “special”, right?

Thanks for reading,
John@VirtualMusicOffice.com

ps Every time I’ve written about variations of this topic, I get blasted with negative feedback. The goal is not arrogance or elitism, but to encourage those who ARE achievers, or who want to be by pointing out that there are solutions for you too. And….to dispel the myths that college is all about who can afford what. Here are my bullet points:

  • Don’t choose the cheapest school based on $$$
  • Good Grades Do Pay
  • Be proactive vs reactive; make it happen, don’t just let it happen. Plan it, don’t wing it.
    • Plan Academically
    • Plan Financially
    • Plan to be Well-Rounded
    • Plan to Know before you GO

Special Education for High Achievers Read More »

Using Band as Punishment

1 Comment / High Schools, Parenting, Repost, Teaching, Teaching Music /

Band PunishmentBy John Gardner

Teens can be quite the challenge sometimes, but I thoroughly enjoy engaging their youthful enthusiasm as they shape their futures by making decisions and learning from the decisions they make.

Sometimes they make poor decisions and need instruction, correction or discipline, but using band as punishment is excessive and harmful. Using band as punishment is like using water boarding for failing to cut the grass. Help teens thrive, don’t treat them like terrorists.

Thriving Teens – 3 types

1. Good Teens BECAUSE of their parents

For one group, I give much credit to good parenting. Good parenting doesn’t guarantee good teens, but it certainly increases the odds. These are the parents who are active and involved in their teen’s life. They’re on the PTO, in the band/choir/athletic booster groups, they come to watch practices, performances or games, they volunteer to help and they put up the money that most worth while ventures require. Some, are more behind the scenes supporting, enabling  and encouraging. Outside of school activities, the family is together a lot. Maybe there isn’t a lot of money for fancy vacations, but they find ways to do things together anyway. Single parents and those who have remarried can also do fantastic jobs. My heart goes out to those super parents who are experiencing what author James Dobson calls “the strong-willed child”. Keep the faith and keep doing what you’re doing. The teen will figure it out eventually.

2. Good Teens IN SPITE of their parents

A second group, and one that I especially admire, are those teens who turn out great “in spite of”  their parents. These are the teens who“ have every reason (mostly by example) to crash and burn, and yet, they determine NOT to follow the paths of their parents and instead, commit themselves to a better life.

I’m not faulting single, lower-income, laid off or otherwise challenged parents doing the best they can, but rather those who don’t share or support the child’s enthusiasm for a worthy activity.

Your child knows, is hurt, embarrassed and deflated by your lack of support.

A high school clarinet student once tell me,

“my dad has never heard me play.”

You will only have that child in your care for a short time.

I was outside our band entrance door greeting students arriving for rehearsal. The car stopped and both student and parent got out. The girl ran to me, in tears, frantically exclaiming, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” before running into the building. Behind her came the papa with the band schedule in hand. There was no warm, fuzzy response to my “Hi, how ya doin’?” Instead, he almost slapped me in the face with the schedule as he grunted, “How much of this schedule is mandatory?” After my response, “All of it.”, he mumbled something I wouldn’t print even if I heard it clearly. The daughter was waiting for me in the office, still crying, and apologizing for what she was sure I had endured. My respect and admiration for her attitude and work ethic skyrocketed after that.

A sophomore asked me for some personal clarinet coaching. Things were going great until she came in one day tearfully explaining she had to quit. She had gotten a job to pay for her lessons, because her parents would not, and when they learned how she was spending her earnings, they started charging her rent.

Another student came in from the parking lot to ask for some help with a flat tire. He called his mother while the other director and I taught him how to change a tire. To get to the spare, he had to unhook the huge woofer in the trunk. The mother and boyfriend arrived and, instead of thanking us for staying or trying to help, boyfriend starts screaming at the teen, “How dare you let somebody else touch my car. This isn’t over, kid.”

3. Good Teens Naturally

Some teens naturally have what it takes for greatness. Natural greatness combined with good parenting is definitely a winning combination.

Struggling teens and families

I understand some of the hardships. The 5 children in MY family were successfully raised by a determined, suddenly single, polio-surviving mother who was a stay-at-home mom 12 years before landing the single-parenting role. Some of her start-up challenges, in addition to parenting alone, included finding a job, day care and a car. I’m not sure where my life would have gone if mom had used band as punishment for some of the teen mischief and turmoil I instigated.

Single parents are extra busy working, exhausted from working one or more jobs. When I encouraged a student to encourage her mother to chaperone so she wouldn’t have to buy gas to the competitions, the girl replied,

“My mother can’t come. She is working three jobs.”

Living arrangements, transportation, schedules, finances and family politics aren’t easy. Juggling bedrooms in two houses, or spending summers with the non-custodial parent adds to teen stress.  There is only one car and the parent has it at work. Older children must babysit younger siblings, making after school activities difficult. Some become pawns for their competing and vindictive parents. They mature quickly coping with blended families, step-siblings, step-parents (and entire new families) and parents’ new loves. Many handle it better than I did.

In “functional” families, when one parent avoids the student’s activities, even when a genuine work conflict, teens perceive that their activity doesn’t rate with the absent parent.

I had a student several years ago who’s father NEVER came to anything. Even at her high school graduation, the father walked into the gym at about the time his daughter’s name was to be called, shot a 2-minute video, and left the arena. I don’t meet some parents until I visit the graduating senior’s open house party.

Using Band as Punishment

Good parenting sometimes requires a consequence for bad behavior, but using band as punishment is not a good choice.

A common tactic in disciplining teens is withholding something valued; driving privilege, cell phone, Internet, freedom (grounding). I can’t tell you how many times I hear variations of

“I get my phone back in 5 days”….

In that spirit of taking away something valuable, however, some parents include band. A few examples from recent years:

  • ….student must come home after school, even though there is a scheduled rehearsal. Part of the punishment is the grade cut and the confrontation with the director.
  • Parent: “We want to pull him out of band. We’ve just been having lots of problems with him lately.”
    Dir: “Are any of those problems related to band?”
    Parent: “No, but we’ve already grounded him and taken away his cell phone. He likes band, so we want to pull him out so he’ll get the point.”
  • Parent: “Here is a copy of our contract with our child. We’ll let him stay in band if he adheres to this agreement.”
    Dir: “According to this, you want to pull him out of band if he misses a single homework assignment or gets a C on any quiz or test? If that is your absolute standard, then you might as well change the schedule now, because very few teens can guarantee you that they will NEVER have a bad day on a quiz or test and I don’t want to have to fill that hole later.”
  • Parent: “This just isn’t working. She needs to come straight home after school every day.”
    Dir: “On days were we have after school rehearsal, can she not come straight home immediately following rehearsal? What did she do?”
    Parent: “Her room is a mess.”

Problems of Using Band as Punishment

  1. It affects the grade. Some short-sighted parents see an advantage in this. As a teacher, I don’t. Grades matter when it comes time to apply for college admission, scholarships and jobs.
  2. It hurts the band. Band is a team activity. Grounding someone from a rehearsal, performance, or pulling them out of the program mid-season hurts everybody.

For some people, band is the best thing that could happen for them. They gain acceptance as a valued member of a group made up of a wide variety of people. They make friends, some lasting a lifetime. They learn things that will help them in the corporate (or whatever) world; chain of command, respect, discipline, work ethic, commitment, and more. Some, who will never be the highest academically or the strongest athletically can find and use their leadership skills in band. Or they discover the value of being an active, valued participant in a large team effort. One student, when receiving his show shirt almost teared up as he said to me,

“I’ve never been a part of a group before.” 

A graduating senior told me how grateful she was for band “because of what it kept me away from”.

Everyone knows that only a small percentage of those in band will actually make a vocation from music. But having been in band can be something treasured for a lifetime. When visiting some of my former students in a band reunion in southern Indiana, a former flute student, who is now a doctor, credited band for helping her get thru the 10 or so years of schooling it took for her to become a physician. A bi-vocational pastor said band got him away from his drinking/drug buddies and helped him turn his life around.

Why then, other than the fact that they can have some satisfaction that they truly “hurt” that mis-behaving teenager, would a parent want to take a child out of an activity that has so much to offer?

Take using band as punishment off the table. Stick with grounding or withholding privileges if you must, but don’t use band or athletics as a bargaining chip. No on wins in that scenario, including the parent.

Thanks for reading my vent. Am I wrong? Need help?

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Solo Contest and Life Lessons

1 Comment / College Prep, High Schools, Music Performance, Parenting, Solo Prep, Teaching /

By John Gardner

Solo and Ensemble no frameThere are surprises every year at Solo/Ensemble contest. I would spend the day encouraging, listening, supporting, congratulating, and consoling. Without question, the experience students gain from participation is strong.

Life is not always fair, and neither are judges. A high school principal once commented to me after a disappointing marching band result that…

“They should judge these things the way we do basketball; points happen when the ball goes through the basket.”

At the end of the day of a Solo/Ensemble festival a few years ago, when two directors were complaining to the site official about the same particular judge, the official response was that…

“…that score represents a personal, professional opinion. That is what we hire them to do.”

There are problematic (for me to justify) judges in solo/ensemble festivals: …

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Solo Contest and Life Lessons Read More »

Solo contest judge’s #1 recommendation

Leave a Comment / College Prep, High Schools, Music Department, Music Performance, Parenting, Solo Prep, Teaching Music /

By John Gardner

excellentMost participants in high school solo competitions are only in the performance room long enough for his/her performance and maybe for a couple friends’. They could learn so much by sitting and listening/observing for a while.

During some down time in between local student performances at a state level contest, I sat in a few performance rooms just to hear examples of what other students around the state are doing.  I did not expect to see the wide range of performance quality given that I was at a STATE level contest and everyone participating had already received a GOLD (top) rating at district competition. If I had to summarize that experience, it would be with the conclusion that…

…not all music education results are created equal.

…

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GT (Gifted and Talented): The System worked for us, but we had to work the system

Leave a Comment / College Prep, Family, High Schools, News and Happenings, Parenting, Personal experience, Public Schools, Repost, Teaching, Types of education /

gifted and talented

For two years during elementary school, our sons were part of a GT (Gifted and Talented) program called “Project Challenge”, which allowed students to advance in several areas. When they got to middle school, the program stopped and that was a problem (for us). The two in this clip, David and Casey, were allowed to take an 8th-grade Algebra class during 7th-grade year — and were the top two students in the class.

When we approached the school to question their plans for math for the 8th-grade year, the teacher explained that repetition was good, i.e. they were going to allow them to RE-TAKE the class. 

Unacceptable….

“You don’t hold back students like these two. They are the top two students in your class. They do not need to repeat it.”

Joan and I met with the principal, who, at one point, angrily pounded his fist (literally) on the desk and barked,

“I am so sick of parents pushing their kids.”

“We’re not pushing him. We just want to make sure there are not walls blocking his path.”

We objected long and loud enough (plus Casey’s parents were a teacher and a principal) that they agreed to bus these two to the high school every day, where they took two math courses that year. (That is the case started a year ago, as mentioned in the clip.)

During Freshman year, David was coming home complaining about a Spanish class he was taking. He didn’t like the “stupid” techniques they were using to learn vocabulary. At a parent-teacher conference, the teacher said he was causing disturbances in class with his lack of participation. We asked the teacher if he was bored in class.

“Absolutely he is bored.”

The teacher worked with us and school administrators to transfer David from Spanish I to Spanish IV. It took him a short while to catch up, but he loved it and soared.

By Sophomore year they were taking calculus and were invited to come to senior awards night to receive the high school’s top math recognitions. 

Out of high school math options, and before it was more readily available, David was allowed to go to the local university for an advanced math class junior year. When the professor objected, the high school teachers said,

“Just let him take the class. He’ll be fine”.

When the college students, thinking he looked too young to be there, asked him what year he was in, David’s response was “Junior year”. 

A few weeks into the college class, the professor accused David of cheating. He wasn’t doing the work to show the answers he was coming up with. 

When confronted, David asked,

“Is the goal to do the work or to solve the problem?” 

Unconvinced that he could get the answers the way he was, he watched David solve some problems, concluding that …

“I don’t know how he is doing it, but he is doing it.”

By the end of the semester, the professor was inviting David to take an even higher-level college class. 

The week prior to a big performance, the show choir toured the middle schools. Students were expected to make up their work. There was a grading period ending and one of David’s teachers asked him to make sure he got a particular assignment completed, recognizing that,

“You and I both know that if there is a negative impact to your grade that your parents will be in here.”

The only teacher or administrator that we confronted angrily was that fist-banging middle school principal. We were persistent, however, especially when we felt one of our sons was being held back or prevented from excelling because of convenience or policy.

Something I’ve said multiple times over the years, usually when encouraging parents to advocate louder,

“The system worked for us — but we had to work the system.”

PS After graduating high school with a perfect, pre-weighted-grades GPA, and in the top 1% at Duke, David went to Ivy-League Penn where he paid $0 for his Ph.D. and is currently a teacher, coach and dean at one of, if not the highest-rated boarding school in the country. His brother is the Worship Pastor at a large church in Washington State. 

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10 Ways To Earn Student Respect and Trust

6 Comments / College Prep, Communication, Marching Band, Parenting, Social Media, Teaching, Teaching Music /
This is my garage the day before it was being re-sided. I called it the "GGG" (Gardner, Garage Graffiti) event. They came to my house on a Saturday morning. Do you think they will remember this day? What if they had not come?
This is my garage the day before it was being re-sided. I called it the “GGG” (Gardner, Garage Graffiti) event. They came to my house on a Saturday morning. Do you think they will remember this day? What if they had not come?

Students know which teacher(s)….

  • are more interested in being popular than in providing and expecting academic excellence . Students will “like” this teacher, but will not “respect” him/her.
  • are there only for the paycheck. These are the people who deserve the quote, “those who can – do, those who can’t – teach”.
  • stopped working hard when they got tenure and are now just putting in time.
  • are incompetent. Students recognize those who read only the questions in the teacher’s edition, use publisher-provided Powerpoint presentations and read them word for word, who have artificial conversations or Q&A sessions.
  • are invested in the totality of the student, beyond what is required by the contract and mandated by administration.
  • are the go to adults for help, support and understanding with life’s struggles

“When students feel that teachers and school administrators genuinely care about them and help them to feel welcome, they are more motivated to cooperate and to succeed.” -Robert Brooks, PhD

A former student remembering her band experience wrote that,

“It is more than just about music.”

She attributed the life-skills she learned in band (time management, team building, respect for authority, commitment, self-discipline….) to have been major factors in her success in college, medical school and life.

In a Facebook message from a Music Education major;

“I just wanted to take a moment to thank you again and again for steering me in the right path, …! There is no way I will ever be able to give you the thanks that you really deserve, for the potential you saw in me, for the care you gave me, for the trust you put in me, and for the time and energy you invested in me! You changed a life…MINE.”

Responding to a blog post called, “I Want To Trust You”, another former student wrote;

I’m remembering a little white lie that Tina and I told you just to get out of class for a minute or two……..Unfortunately, you found out about it. I’ve never felt so guilty as when I was caught tricking YOU! You were the TEACHER to go to when things weren’t going ok. And a trusted teacher…….I was SO sorry!”

Four days before Christmas, I received a text message from a senior,

“G, I just got kicked out of my house. Please help me!”

How can teachers get past the compliance expectation and earn respect….and TRUST?

  • Be real. You can’t fake it with teens, they will see right through you. If you can’t be real, you should not be there. Please leave education.
  • Be available. How easy is it for a teen to say to YOU, “Can I talk to you?”? What if it is not during class or immediately after school? In how many different ways are you available and do students know and understand that? Do they know if it is ok to email, call, text or instant message you? When a teen says they need to talk, somebody needs to be available. Be that person. Consider your use of texting and social media.
  • Be there. Yes, you’re “on duty” at school. What about when a student is in the hospital, at the funeral home, pitching in the softball/baseball game, getting baptized, being awarded Eagle Scout status, or when their garage-type band is playing at the coffee shop? Take your spouse or your kids and just be where you can when you can. They will notice.
  • Trust them. If you want trust, you need to give some. I have a periodic discussion about trust, abusing it, losing it and the difficulty in earning it a second time. Read: “I WANT To Trust You“. Teens make mistakes and the trust area is one of those places where they can mess up. But help them learn. Take a reasonable chance. Yes, you’ll get burned some….but you will also empower leaders to rise up.
  • Respect them. There is a good chance they will recognize and return it.
  • Advocate for them. Of course you have students who are financially challenged and could benefit from music lessons, a better instrument, participation in a select ensemble or some other training. You won’t always succeed, but try to find funding to help. Call the employer to help him get that job. Write a letter to help her get that scholarship. Help them with college applications their parents can’t (or won’t).
  • Listen, really listen. Teens typically think that people don’t listen. They think adults are quick to lecture, criticize and correct, but are slow to listen. You don’t always have to have the answer. Sometimes there isn’t an obvious answer. Sometimes listening is the answer, because in allowing them to share, you enable them to find their own answer. Unless they are sharing something illegal, dangerous, hear them out. Don’t argue. Don’t interrupt. Don’t pre-judge. And when you can, share your wisdom, experience, expertise and advice.
  • Expect and Encourage Excellence. Students will complain when the load is heavy and the challenge is significant, but they know, even when they won’t admit, that achieving excellence requires work. They want to achieve and succeed. Being there for them doesn’t mean lowering your standards. Make them stretch. They’ll appreciate you eventually, even if not today.
  • Don’t assume. A question I ask often is, “You okay?” Simple question….and sometimes they shrug it off, but there have been many times for me that this gives them the opening to ask for help.
  • Don’t give up. It can be difficult, disappointing and even deflating when teens mess up. Don’t give up on them. That’s what the rest of society wants to do sometimes…. They will be disappointed that they disappointed you, but your unconditional support (not approving what they do) is vitally important to them.

——————————–

Sometimes I complain about my job; about the part-time-ness, the pay, the union, my bosses, the financial realities, and more…. but I will ALWAYS love the teens I get to work with. They can be challenging; sometimes immature, making decisions without thinking through to the consequences of those decisions, they can love you today, hate you tomorrow and love you again the day after……, but if you’re in it for them, you’re positively impacting lives and as the commercial implies, you cannot put a price on that.

UPDATE: I retired from teaching in July of 2020. I still love teens.

Thanks for reading,

John

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