Time for some Friend List Spring Cleaning

Communication, Personal experience, Respect, Social Media, Social Media / John Gardner

I can handle civil disagreement, especially when it is something I said. If you think I’m wrong, tell me. That’s what friends do. If you think I went too far, tell me. I can (and did – just a couple days ago) apologize and edit or delete something I said that caused unintended ill will. We can still be friends.

There are people I like, respect, admire (even love) … who have different views than I do in religion, politics, socially, even gender and sexual preference areas. I can still be your friend. Can you still be mine?

You can even be sarcastic in disagreeing with me, but know that I am a sarcasm master and not afraid to use it.

But there are some extremes that cross lines I cannot accept. If you want to be my friend, be careful with labels and name-calling, especially toward ME on MY page. And be careful liking (or even loving) hurtful, attacking name-calling comments.

I seldom look at my FB Friend List in years, but it has become necessary — so I’ve done some Spring Cleaning. Along the way I found:

* Deleted accounts still on my list.

* No communication in years (decades even).

* People I can’t remember at all. Probably my fault.

* Multiple accounts. One friend had 5 and I was friends with two of him.

* One of my brothers has two accounts…..double-friended.

* Hatefully anti-Christian…(I can handle friendly disagreement) and am friends with non-Christians…. I won’t attack you personally and I cannot allow you to attack my most core beliefs.

* Hatefully Political. NO politician (or political party) is as perfect as Jesus, evil as Hitler, right OR wrong 100% of the time.

Don’t worry. If you see this post, you’re still good in my book. And if you don’t see it (perhaps someone tells you), don’t ASSUME because FB doesn’t automatically show everything to everybody — even your friends.

Time for some Friend List Spring Cleaning Read More »

I complimented her smile and stepped into creepy

Leave a Comment / Communication, Personal experience, Respect, Social Media, Social Media / John Gardner

I complimented her smile and stepped into creepy and wokeness.

As a [former] teacher of teens, I understand the careful lines teachers (and students) should observe, especially in the area of commenting on how someone looks. When I was a new teacher and only 3-4 years older than some of the students in my classes, that was even more sensitive. Less so in my last 16yr stint prior to retirement. I have used, what I always intended to be harmless but effective compliments when I would talk about someone’s “smile”. There are many of my former students who could tell you I’ve complimented or commented in that way. No one, not a single student or any parent has ever, EVER said they felt something I had said to or about them or their student was inappropriate or unprofessional.

I did cause a mild murmur in a concert audience once when I said,

“Parents, I want you to know that I love, admire and respect your students.”

That came up in a subsequent admin evaluation, but nothing was written down and the only caution was to, “be careful”.

I have multiple writings about those topics. Here are two:

Is it ever okay for a teacher to LOVE students?
10 ways to earn students’ respect and trust

…but that is not the focus of THIS post.

I was moved by the above video. Such a brave girl to escape under threat of death from North Korea. I was angered that there were some students who bullied her because of her speech difficulties (she came here knowing almost zero English). But then, also warmed and encouraged by the way she described most American friends have reacted to and accepted her.

I posted a comment:

Note that there were over 400 thumbs up and zero thumbs down. Also note the heart/love from the video create. So, SHE certainly understood my compliment and was not offended by it.

There were mainly two types of negative replies:

“Looks like we found a creeper in the comments.” (4 likes)

“It’s creepy. Sorry, but it is. You can think it but writing it is weird.” (2 likes)

But there were many more defenders than attackers. I did learn what OP means. Haha….and that I am one.

I asked my Facebook friends to tell me what they thought and said in advance I would use what they said:

[Spouse] used to greet people with hello beautiful! at the [business]. Some ladies were so surprised and acted like no one had ever said that to them before and every lady should hear she’s beautiful! Let’s normalize being nice and paying compliments. Not creepy at all.

I say it’s a sad state of affairs when an innocent comment like that is considered offensive. I mean you didn’t ask her to friend request her!It’s not like you asked her out on a date or what her measurements are. Sometimes people need to chill and this is one of those times.

I’ve been in similar boats. I’ve learned to never comment on physical appearance unless asked or I have a close relationship with them. I instead comment on non physical things. Like personality or voice ot whatever. Creepy vs sweet is all about perception. It has nothing to do with intent. Some people read it as some “old” guy being creepy and some thought it was sweet. I think how we perceive that is often based on our own experiences. Because of that, I work harder to be aware of what people may find creepy and just avoid it. Especially in the current social climate.

I complimented her smile and stepped into creepy Read More »

I WANT To Trust You

Leave a Comment / Communication, High Schools, Teaching / John Gardner

Update: This was originally posted a few years ago, prior to my 2020 retirement, and represents the qualities of trust that I shared with and expected from my students. I’d appreciate your feedback. Consider leaving a comment. Thank you. -John Gardner

“Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honesty, I lose myself.” –William Shakespear

“Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.”–Janis Joplin

“Some things are black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. Honesty is one of those things. You have it or you don’t.

“I can trust you – or I can’t.” -G

On TV, honesty seems to be relative; use it when you can, abandon it when it helps the moment. That is a sad reality that we must avoid in band. Trust requires honesty. Without trust, everything you do or say must be doubted, questioned or verified.

Trust lost is hard to earn back.

In a conversation with band students, I asked for the most common answer from a teacher after a student request. “No.” I asked for the most common response from parents… “No.” Could it be that the tendency to say ‘No’ is at least partially driven by a low trust factor caused by a questionable honesty level? I say yes….in many cases.

So who goes first?

Dear students,

I WANT to trust you. I WANT to believe you. I WANT to say ‘Yes’. I WANT you to be truthful with me and I’m willing to take the first reasonable risk. The danger, for me then, is that some people are so accustomed to saying what is convenient at the moment (situational ethics?) that they do that with ME (automatically or intentionally – doesn’t matter) …..and I get burned, disappointed, even hurt.

Why do I take it so personally? I wish I didn’t, but I do.

I almost lost my job once, as a young District Sales Manager for a national fundraising company, when I went to bat for some reps only to discover they had been feeding me lies. My boss’ response to my frustration and question about how to know who to trust was, “Trust is a treasure that some people haven’t earned, don’t value or can’t handle. You have to learn WHO you can give HOW MUCH to.”

“Trust, but verify.” -Ronald Reagan

“You won’t get away with it.” -my pastor

My mama used to say…

“Burn me once, shame on YOU!
Burn me twice, shame on ME!”

A former student from my first teaching job posted on my facebook:

“I’m remembering a little white lie that Tina and I told you just to get out of class for a minute or two……..Unfortunately, you found out about it. I’ve never felt so guilty as when I was caught tricking YOU! You were the TEACHER to go to when things weren’t going ok. And a trusted teacher…….I was SO sorry!”

So this is not a new problem for me. It isn’t something that JUST happend. IT happens…. Sometimes you can get me …. yes you can. Some of you are very good at trying, because your moral compass is off….or broken. Sometimes, I DO give you the benefit of my doubt. Burn me once….

Here’s the bottom line, the brutal truth, the real consequence… and it is important that YOU KNOW IN ADVANCE.

If I give you MY TRUST and you respond with YOUR LIES …. it changes EVERYTHING, including my ability to trust and respect YOU….probably for longer than it should. I can still be your teacher. I can still treat you with professionalism and dignity. But, burn me twice….

So what? Maybe nothing…..because then I become like all the other adults in your life who will almost always say no and who will be compelled to question and verify everything you say….and the games go on.

That makes me sad.

With respect and trust,
-G

I WANT To Trust You Read More »

Band Dad is in step – and so is the band

Marching Band, Music Performance, Personal experience, Respect, Teaching, Teaching Music / John Gardner

By John Gardner

In my first summer of teaching, I was only 3-4 years older than the seniors in the band. Just before school started we spent a week at Camp Crescendo Band Camp. There were normally 6-10 bands in the camp any given week. Directors were responsible for ensuring all their students were in the proper dorms at the appointed time in the evening. When I would approach the girls’ dorm, they would tease me by calling me ‘dad’.

The ‘dad’ thing continued because they could tell it embarrassed me. It was not disrespectful, in fact, the opposite.

I was concerned that I’d get to school for the first week on the job on site and get called into the office because my students were calling me dad. But no, it seemed to be a “for band’s ears only” kind of thing.

This picture was taken at one of my first parades. With all the fun and games that we had, I do like to point out that they are all in step…..all….of….them.

Band Dad is in step – and so is the band Read More »

Young guys with goals, initiative, and work ethic

Parenting, Personal experience, Respect, Teaching / John Gardner

My wife posted on her social media this story about young guys with goals, initiative, and work ethic. People were amazed. Impressed, yes….but wasn’t there a time when this was more the norm?

A couple of young boys (pre-teen, perhaps early teen) asked me for a drink of water yesterday. They had been raking the next door neighbor’s yard and saw me out working in mine. They then asked if I had any work they could do. They were trying to raise money to buy their mother a birthday present. I had been planning on expanding my canna bed this year, so I put them to work. The orange handle shows where the edge of the bed had been. I still have some cleaning out to do, but you can see they did a nice job of getting the edge even, and they shook the dirt out of the pieces they dug up and placed the grass clods in lawn bags for me. I was very impressed by their work ethic and their willingness to work for something they wanted. They had a goal in mind and intended to work until they reached it.

Young guys with goals, initiative, and work ethic Read More »